Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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