got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
