Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
