dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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