hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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