sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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