wrigley field is MILF paradise
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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