it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
