if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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