he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
accomplished twins. life is a go
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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