I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Even my vagina gasped.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
