what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I can't put those talents on a resume
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
