Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
