now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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