I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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