STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
