you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
