R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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My penis needs a shock collar
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
