dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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