I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize