If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
