After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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