mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Fuck appropriateness.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
