Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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