Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
