9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
