Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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