So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
