before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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