Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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