Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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