I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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