the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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