At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
