It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
