tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I stole a fireplace last night.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
