who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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