There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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