That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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