just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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