I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
