SEEEEXXX PLEASE
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
