Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Randomize
