I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
