im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Randomize
