I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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