Someone shit on the floor
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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