I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
