I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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