forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
