i can't believe i had my finger in that
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
