The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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