im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
