Yo dont text me then not text me
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It all started with a game of naked twister.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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