I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
