i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
