Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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