I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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