Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
