If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she peed on how many people?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
